Howard is driving his car. Howard locks The Club™ to his steering wheel. He walks into a McDonald’s™. He orders food and eats it. He drinks 42 ounces of Coca-Cola™. He pisses four times. Outside he can feel winter coming. He wishes he had eaten a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese™ instead of a Big Mac™. He unlocks The Club™ and drives to the Adult Superstore. He locks The Club™ and finds a DVD of scenes featuring Jenna Jameson he watches three of them and feels good and not confused. Later he goes home and feels like shit. He goes to bed. He thinks, “Lisa and I will fuck again and this time it really will be nasty. She’s a skank.” He is asleep.

Howard is in Wal-Mart™. Howard is surprised that he is uncomfortable. Howard holds a large American flag t-shirt to his chest, then Howard holds an extra-large American flag t-shirt to his chest. Howard tries on a black hooded sweatshirt. Howard takes it off and looks at the color. Howard takes the black hooded sweatshirt past the check out line. Outside Howard remembers he wanted underwear. Howard walks to where there is underwear and picks up a package of three pairs of extra large underwear. Howard is happy that he will have new underwear. He thinks “I will put these on in the dressing room.” Howard walks past the checkout line. Howard feels like shit.

Howard is looking at pictures of Baconators™ on the internet. Howard thinks “I know everything and I am always right.” Howard feels really proud. Howard loves himself. Howard opens his bedroom door and then sits back down and looks at more pictures of Baconators™. Howard goes downstairs and gets some Pizza Lunchables™ from the refrigerator. Howard sits at the kitchen table. Howard thinks “Screw my roommates, I’m getting naked.” Howard feels fucking great.

Howard is in his Mom’s house. It’s three PM. Howard is listening to the album Open Up and Say… AHH! by Poison. Howard fucking loves this album. Howard doesn’t read a whole lot. Howard has never thought of interviewing anyone for www.thefanzine.com. Not even the Vietnam Vet who is a mechanic at the auto body shop in the part of Philadelphia where he lives. Howard has no idea what wwww.thefanzine.com is. Howard thinks “I need to get a real job.” Howard feels stupid and thinks “I know I’ll never do that.” Howard thinks “Someday I’ll get a real job, just like Vietnam Vet who is a mechanic at the auto body shop.” Howard feels stupid. He goes downstairs and eats salsa and Tostitos™ and watches six episodes of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge and then sleeps for ten hours.

Howard thinks about the black Nike Air Jordan’s™ he wore the summer after his junior year of high school and a little bit of his senior year of high school. He thinks of eating fast food. He gets out of his bed. He connects his cell phone to its charger. He presses the spacebar a whole bunch on his Gateway™ desktop computer because the screen has gone black. He types the phrase “Pig” into the search field on iTunes, and then listens to the song Piggie Pie by Insane Clown Posse. He takes off his clothes. He takes the sheets of his bed and lies naked on the scratchy mattress. He masturbates for three hours and fifteen minutes and then he takes a shower and then he puts on the same clothes and drives his car to work.

Steve calls Howard and says “Do you want to come to my house?” and Howard thinks “Dan lives in fucking trailer, he doesn’t live in a house” and Howard is happy that he lives in a house. He says “Sure, man, yeah” and Steve says “Cool, dude” and Howard drives his car to Steve’s trailer. Tom is there and Howard and Steve and Tom drink beer. Later Amy and Kim come and are drunk and Howard and Steve and Tom drink more and it’s obvious that Amy and Steve are fucking each other and then at some point Howard and Kim are sitting in folding chairs in front and Howard says “Do you want to go somewhere and mess around?” and Kim says “Yeah,” and “Fuck yeah” is the implication and from then on Howard and Kim fool around together. A few times, while Tom is within hearing range, Howard tells Kim “Dude, Tom is a fucking fag...”

Howard and Kim are lying on a bed. Howard is horny. It is warm. Howard feels horny. He looks at Kim and wants to fuck her. He thinks, “She is pretty hot.” Howard still feels horny. Howard wants to ejaculate. He looks at Kim. Kim looks horny. Howard says “I um, don’t want to date you. I’m not looking for a girlfriend here, I um, I was just thinking we could, ya know, have a good time”. Kim is speechless, so Howard continues. “I really think your hot, like super hot, and I really want to have sex with you tonight.”

Kim says, “Wow.” Howard wants to ejaculate. Kim says “Wow, I just really. Well you have to tell me why, because, wow I really thought, I just, well what you said, I thought we would be a really great couple.” Howard says “Yeah. It’s just.” Howard thinks “I don’t want to have to buy her clothes and I don’t think she’s – I don’t want to introduce her to my friends, who are just like me and will judge her and stare at her and want to have sex with her.” Howard types the word fuck on an imaginary keyboard. Howard wants to punch Kelly in the head. Howard says “Well.” Howard thinks “I just want to have sex with her all the time.” Howard thinks “She’s pathetic.” Howard wants her to run into traffic.

Howard is driving to a monster truck rally and comes to a gas station. Howard goes in the gas station and looks at the cigarette selection. He considers Parliaments™ and Marlboros™. He buys Marlboros™. Howard drives to the monster truck rally and watches Big Foot™. Afterwards, he talks to Big Foot’s mechanic and they both smoke a cigarette. Skelator™ destroys and Howard feels fucking great. He tries to ask for a job on Skelator™’s crew, but he is too nervous to ask, and it’s never going to happen unless he asks. He feels awkward sometimes but he mostly feels fucking great because of how much he likes seeing Skelator™ run over other cars. On the walk home he smokes a cigarette and it feels good so he smokes them all. He feels a little stupid because he is addicted to cigarettes, but also sort of happy because at least he knows how to party. At home he drinks a Bud Light™ and goes to sleep.

Howard scrolls through his phonebook looking for someone who might want to have sex with him. He finds a few but doesn’t want to have sex with someone he knows. He deletes some people he doesn’t want to have sex with. Howard looks at his computer. Howard turns on his computer and opens iTunes. Howard looks behind him and sees his dog on the floor. Howard pulls a wedgie out of his ass for extra comfort. Howard looks at his computer. Howard listens to Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent. Howard feels fucking great.

Earlier, Howard bought two 40oz bottles of Steel Reserve High Gravity Malt Liqour, and now he’s looking at them. He’s glad he’s alone in his bedroom with two brown paper bags with glass bottles inside of them. He’s glad that when he touches the bare glass his fingertips feel it is cold. He thinks of going downstairs and putting them in the freezer to make them even colder. He opens the first bottle of malt liqour. He looks out the window. He sits on his bed with his legs straight out and his back against the wall. His shirt is off. It’s 3:30 PM. The sun is out. He sees people in the house across the street. He knows who they are. He is sorry they have problems. He wants to help them but understands he can’t, because he has a lot of fucking problems too.
Howard starts to drink Steel Reserve High Gravity Malt Liqour. He gets angry. He is listening to KoRn. He thinks of calling someone, and then he thinks of throwing his phone out the window, or maybe just breaking it, or maybe just I don’t know, I don’t know how I could somehow make this not-yet-drunken guy I don’t know not call her while not breaking his phone, I’m not sure how I can do this. He punches a wall. He thinks of what he fucking loves. He drinks more and more Steel Reserve High Gravity Malt Liqour until there is only one bottle left and then he looks at it and thinks of what he fucking loves. Howard finishes his the second forty, then sleeps.

Howard is lying on his bed. He is hung over. He is wearing white underwear and white socks. The dog is in his room. He is leafing through a Playboy with a WWE Diva on the cover. He puts the magazine down. He looks at his dresser. He thinks about applying for a credit card and then buying a ton of shit with it and then not paying for it. He will max out the card and buy a bar. He thinks about killing himself.

Robert is typing a MySpace comment to someone who he wants to have sex with a lot more than the other person wants to have sex with him. Howard deletes every word as he writes it and then writes a new word. Often he presses the insert button instead of the delete button, by accident.

Howard drives his car to Samantha’s house. Her Mexican roommate and her Mexican roommate’s Mexican boyfriend are on the stoop smoking. Howard says “What’s up” and Samantha’s Mexican roommate says “She’s in there.” He says “Thanks,” gruffly, as Samantha’s Mexican roommate and her Mexican roommate’s Mexican boyfriend adjust themselves to let Howard and his big belly through. He opens the door and walks to her bedroom, passing the bathroom door. He hears water running and he takes off his clothes and he lies in her bed. He gets aroused. She comes in and it’s dark. She says “How did you get here so quick?” He tells her he drove his car. She says “Oh.” She takes off some of her clothes. He looks. She lies in bed with him. She is drunk. Sometimes she goes down as if to blow him and he totally wants her to. He falls asleep pretty quickly.

Howard, John and Ted smoke pot. Howard and Ted leave and are driving a car. They drive through an area that reminds Howard of an area near where he grew up. He feels an ache for a cheerful time. He thinks Ted understands. Howard and Ted are totally baked. They ride through an area of nice houses. Howard thinks “How much are these houses?” Howard
says “We should rob one of these houses dude.”

Howard is lying on his bed. Howard is sweating. Howard looks at his fan. Howard looks out the window at a fenced-in area across the street. Howard looks at his dog. Howard looks out the window. Howard thinks “I can have chicks here whenever I want.” Howard thinks “When I go to chick’s houses I offend them by thinking their friends are dumb.” Howard feels nothing. Howard takes off his clothes and looks out his bedroom window. Howard looks at his clock. It is 2:40 PM. Howard turns on the radio and tries to find the hard rock station. Howard goes to the bathroom and looks at the toilet seat. It is wet because the dog drinks from it and he has slobbered over everything. Howard does nothing about this. Howard takes a piss and looks at his bathroom ceiling for the first time. Howard takes a shower. Howard walks to his bedroom and sits on his bed and puts on socks and puts on underwear and puts on jeans and puts on a monster truck t-shirt and then takes off that t-shirt and puts on a white T-shirt and then puts on a t-shirt with a Tuxedo screened on the front. Howard looks at a warm Bud Light and drinks it. Howard is listening to the new P.O.D. album. Howard checks his MySpace™. Howard has no new comments. Howard looks at his dog and thinks about letting his dog run free. Howard thinks about red station wagons. Howard wants to call someone. Howard is fucking pumped that he doesn’t have work tomorrow. Howard thinks “I could quit my fuckin’ job.” Howard punches himself in the chest as hard as he can. Howard puts on other music. Howard calls Liz and leaves a message. Howard thinks about punching through his screen. Howard punches his wall. Howard thinks getting in a fight. Howard thinks about having sex. Howard masturbates. Howard is really mad. Howard kicks his fan. Howard holds his foot. Howard is wiping the blood on his sleeve. Howard looks at himself in the mirror. Howard takes off his tuxedo shirt. Howard wishes he had some whiskey. Howard takes off all his clothes. Howard lies in his bed for two hours with his eyes closed. He masturbates again. Howard puts on shorts and goes downstairs and sits on his stoop. Howard goes inside and grabs a beer. He is careful not to let the dog out. Howard thinks of different things he could be doing right now. Howard calls Samantha and leaves a message. Howard wonders if he knows anyone who is gay. Howard thinks “I wish I had Coca-Cola™ so I could wake up.” Howard isn’t sure what to do. Howard brings a tray of ice cubes to his bedroom and takes off his shorts and lies in bed and places ice cubes on his dick.

Howard is listening to the song Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses. Howard is trying to connect to the internet. He’s having trouble and is getting frustrated. He can feel pimples growing on his face. He hears a noise. He walks to the bathroom and looks at his face. His head hurts. He puts some clothes away and throws some stuff his bed. He feels tired. He selects Alice’s name on his cell phone and presses send. He hangs up on her. He feels bored. He feels like he doesn’t do anything. He wishes he had more money. Welcome to the Jungle ends. He wishes he lived in a richer part of town. He isn’t sure what to do. He puts on the album 40 Oz. to Freedom by Sublime. The drums make him feel good. They lyrics remind him that life’s a bitch. He wants to punch himself in the nose. He doesn’t have work tomorrow. He wants to get drunk. He calls Pat and leaves a message. He looks at icons on his computer desktop and feels dumb and gay. It’s 4:55 PM. He looks at the cords coming out of his computer. He looks at John’s dog. He wants to kick it out the window. He wants to lie in a tub of beer. For one second he feels extremely motivated to lie in a tub of beer. He pops a pimple on his face. He thinks he is fat. He wants to make a rum and coke. He takes a shower. He calls Liz and doesn’t leave a message. He wonders what his neighbors are doing. He wonders if the storm has something to do with his internet connection’s failure. He hears a noise and looks at John’s dog and sees John’s dog throw up. Howard walks away. There is no way he is cleaning that shit. He thinks about whether or not people like him. He thinks about the fact that his stomach isn’t perfectly flat. He says “fuck that” to doing sit ups. He wants to be pushed off a really high houseboat onto really cold water and then never have to work again. He thinks about people who make money by doing medical testing. He thinks about pounding his head against the wall. He looks at John’s dog and isn’t sure what to do. He tries to connect to the internet until 40 Oz to Freedom is over and then brushes his teeth and takes off his American flag bandana and goes to bed.

Pat high fives Howard and Howard says “I’ll MySpace you about next Thursday” and Pat leaves. Howard calls Samantha.

Samantha says “Hello?”

Howard says “Yo, what’s up Samantha?”

Samanatha says “Hi, how are you?”

Howard says, “I’m ok.”

“Yeah.” She sounds distracted. Howard hears people talking in the background. Howard wishes he was with lots of people and that lots of people watned to talk to him.

Howard says “What you got goin’ on?”

Samantha says “I’m actually in Linenwold right now, I’m between one train and another train. Why what’s up?

Howard “Oh, nothing, I don’t know.”

Samantha says “What?”

Howard says “Okay then. Alright.”

Samantha says “You’re crazy.”

Howard says “Alright then.” Howard says “I don’t know do you want to hang out sometime? Tomorrow or sometime”

Samantha says “Yeah, probably not tomorrow actually, I’ll still be in Jersey, but I’m not doing anything Sunday, do you want me to give you a call Sunday?”

Howard says “Sure, yeah. Cool.”

Samantha says “Okay, have a good night.”

Howard says “Yeah, goodbye” and closes his cell phone. He goes to the Adult Superstore. The latest Girs Gone Wild DVD, Girls Gone Wild: Before They Were Stars is playing. He wants to ask one of the girls that work there whether they have to play that DVD or they chose to. He isn’t sure if “have to” reinforces the fact that they’re at work and might be a turnoff. He isn’t sure what to do. As he goes down the escalator he decides to say something to one of the girls who works there but then a Mexican man gets on the escalator behind him and he can’t anymore. Outside he feels tired and doesn’t want to drive all the way home. He goes to a grocery store and looks for a small bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ for one dollar and eighty nine cents or less but only sees large bags of Cool Ranch Doritos™ for three dollars and sixty nine cents. He goes in another one and sees small bags of Rold Gold™ pretzels for one dollar and ninety nine cents. He doesn’t get them. He goes to Super Stop and Shop and looks around. He sees small bags of Cheez-It’s™ for seventy nine cents. He buys a five pound bag of Starburst™. He walks down the street towards his car. He makes a left turn. He is going to his friends’ house. He sees one of his friends driving his truck and yells his friend’s name and his friend stops his truck and pulls alongside Howard. Howard says “Hey Brad.”

Brian says, “Oh, hey Howard, what’s up man?”

Howard says “Nothing. What are you doing?”

Brad says “Just going to the beer store.”

Howard says “Oh yeah; you’re getting tanked tonight?”

Brad smiles big and says “I get tanked every night, so yeah.”

Howard says “I was just going to head over to your house and see if you guys were gonna get tanked.”

Brad says “I could uh pick something up for you, though I’m already picking up… well, yeah I guess I probably could.”

Howard says “That would be awesome” and takes out a five dollar bill from his pocket. “Could you get me a forty of Steel Reserve High Gravity™?”

Brad says “Sure, yeah. Alright I’ll see you over there then.”

Howard says “Thanks, see ya.” Howard walks to Brad’s house and pushes the door open. Inside he sees other people he knows. They are surprised and happy to see him. Howard shares his Starburst™ and everyone eats and appreciates them. Brad comes back and they didn’t have any forties of Steel Reserve High Gravity™ so he got Howard two St. Ides™ forties instead. Howard looks at them and feels fucking great. He puts one in the fridge and opens the other. He drinks it and feels good and refreshed. Howard smokes cigarettes and talks about everything. Later Howard and Brad drive to the pretzel factory and the beer store and then come home and everyone is upstairs in Alice’s room. Howard is drinking his second forty ounce bottle of St. Ides™ malt liquor. He feels as though he will pass out any time. He makes faces at Alice and she makes goofy faces back, sometimes. He realizes that he has no idea if she wants to have sex with him. He wants to sleep with her and is afraid that he will pass out before he can try. Later he wakes up on Alice’s floor. There is mustard on his pants and a little mustard on his left shoe. He stands up and feels okay. It is 6:15 AM. He goes downstairs splashes water on his face. He goes to the front door and unlocks it and opens it and tries to lock it and then closes it. It isn’t locked. Howard looks at the door. He isn’t sure what to do. He starts to walk away. Alice opens the door and says “Oh, bye.”

Howard says “See ya later.” He feels as though he is wearing headphones, and so he can’t hear what anyone is saying. He walks home and feels fucking great. He isn’t very tired or hungover. He sees morning people, some of them with small children. He reaches his house and feels very thirsty.

Inside, John says “Hey Howie. Just get back from partying?”

Howard says “I just woke up on Alice’s bedroom floor.”

John says, “Oh, you were over there?” Howard says “Yeah.” Howard drinks a Bud Light™. He feels better. He gets another from the fridge and drinks it. He tells John he’s going back to bed and walks to his bedroom, holding the empty can. In his room he takes off all his clothes and gets in bed. He uses the mouse for his Gateway Desktop to put on Staind’s first album. He picks up the book A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. He reads the first twenty pages. He is slightly distracted by the choice of whether or not to go back to sleep. He goes on MySpace. He changes his status to “Howard is I just woke up and I’m not sure whether or not I should go back to sleep. PS: I’m still drunk because I rule.” Howard goes to the bathroom and washes his face and hands. Howard goes to sleep.

Howard is at home. He’s watching a DVD called Monday Night Raw 15th Anniversary Special. He is eating Spaghetti-0’s™. He can feel that there are pimples on his face. His legs are sweating. He pauses the DVD and turns off the TV. He grabs a can of Bud Light™ and goes upstairs. His room is a mess. He feels fucking great. He checks his MySpace. He looks at himself in the mirror. He goes to the bathroom and washes his face. He thinks about taking a shower. He looks at a book of Gary Larson’s cartoons. He isn’t sure what to do. He thinks about putting the book of Gary Larson’s cartoons on eBay. He goes back to his room and lies in bed. He looks at some things on his bedroom floor and thinks that he does not give a shit that they aren’t put away. He gets up and throws away three receipts and puts his gym shoes in the hallway. He puts on the song Hell’s Bells by AC/DC. Howard thinks, “I like everything about this song.” He lies in his bed and thinks about smoking weed. He doesn’t have any weed. He thinks “I am going to party my balls off on Friday.” He looks out the window. He takes off his shirt, pants and socks. He thinks about brushing his teeth. He stays in bed and doesn’t brush his teeth. He considers getting a fan from one of the other rooms and putting it in his room to replace his broken fan. He wonders if John feeds the dog. He feels normal.

Howard is using Microsoft Word to write a poem. He types “when I am alone / I sometimes / think about hot female aliens/ and get a boner by / accident.” Howard highlights the entire text and presses delete. Howard pulls his curtains and looks into the street. Howard sits down and types the words “I totally fucking rule.” He copies the entire text and pastes it over and over.

Howard unlocks his door and goes inside. He lies on his couch with his eyes closed for forty-five minutes. He thinks “Boil water for my Kraft Macaroni and Cheese™ or check my MySpace?” He goes upstairs and puts on the album Silver Side Up by Nickelback. He lies on his bed and looks at the sky and the tops of houses across the street. He feels pretty useless. He thinks “Because I am listening Nickelback I will feel better.” He calls Samantha and leaves a message. He goes downstairs and gets a Bud Light™. He sits on the couch and pets one of the dogs. He wants to watch a movie. He goes outside and sits on the stoop and wishes he had money for cigarettes. He remembers smoking cigarettes. He thinks “I wish I had more beer.” He thinks “I should only do things that I like.” He goes into his house and gets his keys and some change and drives to a supermarket. He takes a Snickers™ bar and eats it while he walks around the store. He likes the way Cookie Crisp™, Axe Deodorant Body Spay™, and Hershey’s™ Chocolate Syrup are packaged. He thinks “I would love to eat Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts™ but I don’t have enough money to buy them here.” He walks towards the exit. He sees Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts™. He picks up a Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart™ and takes it to the automated check out line. He checks himself out without paying. He thinks “I wish I could talk to someone.” As he leaves, the girl whose job it is to stand near the automated check out line says “Did you pay for that?” Howard says “Yes.” Howard runs outside and thinks “I feel really stupid. I wish I could stop stealing things.” Howard drives home. He is sure that if someone offered to sell him some pot he would punch the guy in the face and take the pot for free. When he gets home he puts the Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts™ in the cabinet and grabs his last Bud Light™. He goes upstairs and brushes his teeth he does not wash or exfoliate his face. He goes to his room and puts on Nickelback and lies on his bed looking at the darkness through his window. He thinks “There might be someone somewhere who is feeling right now exactly what I am feeling right now.” He thinks “That person is I’m not sure. I was going to say ‘Maybe that person is someone I want to have sex with, but now I’m not sure if that matters. I’m not sure why I’m thinking about this.” Howard drinks the beer and decides to go to sleep.

Howard feels his back pocket and realizes that he is not carrying his wallet. He returns to Super Stop and Shop and retraces his steps to the car. At home he considers writing a list of how pissed off he is that he lost his wallet "I am so pissed off because I lost my wallet and nothing has changed." He calls his bank and has his ATM card put on hold. He calls Liz and leaves a message. He spends two seconds getting dressed and then carries a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey™ to a party. There aren’t any shot glasses so he drinks beer, and then someone says to just pull straight from the bottle, then Howard has some Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey™ on his shirt and someone offers him an ice cube. He feels intensely drunk. He has to go to work tomorrow. He smokes pot and to makes jokes. He pulls a few people aside in order to whisper inappropriate jokes to them. Someone he knows pulls him aside and says "I just want you to know, that I know, that you're a piece of shit." Howard gets really pissed. He doesn't think that is fucking cool.
"That makes me really pissed off."

She says "What?"

"I know I’m and asshole most of the time, but you don’t fucking know me."

“Yeah, and that's why you're a piece of shit."

"Fuck!" He thinks, "She is drunk I guess. What a dumb bitch." Howard feels fucked.

A girl comes towards Howard and says "Biggie Smalls. I thought about it, Biggie Smalls." Howard has no idea what she is fucking talking about.

Later he tells someone "I am going to hurl" hoping the person will direct him to the street. The person directs him to the bathroom and he looks at the tiny sink and tiny toilet and thinks “This fucking sucks.” He goes back into the party and pukes his guts out. The party seems to stop around him. He goes to the bathroom and a girl he knows helps him wash his face and hands and rinse his mouth. She walks with him a few blocks and tries to walk him all the way home. He says "I definitely have it, uh, I'm definitely better than you to be walking home alone." She says, "But you're just so drunk." At home Howard takes all of his clothes off and takes all the shit off his bed and lies down. It's three AM. He feels fucking great. He puts on the song Hot For Teacher by Van Halen. The next day he wakes up at 11:30 AM and decides to get up at two in the afternoon. He sets two alarms. It's cold. Howard closes his bedroom window. At 2 PM, one of his alarms goes off and he gets up. He takes a piss and looks at himself. He puts on the song Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. He feels sad and stupid. He feels like he'll be fired for not going to work today.

Howard is alone. Howard eats a Hostess Frosted Hunny Bun™ and half a packet of Gushers™. Howard feels hungry. Howard smokes a cigarette. Howard walks to his computer to play the album Something Like Human, by Fuel. Howard feels fucking great. Howard finishes smoking his cigarette. Howard feels a little funny. Howard gets under his blanket and turns the light out. John comes home. Howard smokes pot with John. Howard and John drive to a party. Howard sees someone he knows on the way to the party and yells the person’s name and stops the car and thinks he might have dropped his money and then feels his pocket and realizes he didn’t drop his money. Howard rides the rest of the way to the party. Howard goes inside and drinks beer and liquor. Howard feels fucking great. Howard wants to fuck all the girls at the party. Howard wakes up at eleven AM on a small sofa he remembers having sat on the night before. Howard moves to another small sofa, closer to his friends. Howard doesn’t say anything. Howard walks to the bathroom. Howard feels like puking. Howard tries to throw up. Howard’s friends say they’re going to go to Wendy’s™. One of them asks Howard if he’d like to go. Howard weighs his options. Howard doesn’t answer. Howard’s friends leave. Howard drives his car home. Howard sleeps for four hours. Howard takes a bath. He reads the first article in US Weekly, At Home with Tom Cruise. Howard takes a shower. Howard goes to Super Stop and Shop and buys things for dinner. Howard comes home and goes on MySpace. Then Howard makes dinner and eats it alone. Howard thinks “I wish I had a TV tray so I could watch television while I eat dinner.” Howard leaves his dishes in the sink. Howard listens to the album Master of the Puppets by Metallica and talks to someone on MSN and someone on AIM. Howard feels bored.

Howard feels alive and fucking great.